Tuesday 19th December: Delwara and Udaipur

I wish I could write something positive about the last two days in Delwara. I wish I could describe how the exciting promise of a new project is being richly fulfilled. But I can’t: this week has been neither rich nor fulfilled so far, and in parts has felt like a void filled only with despair. Udaipur evenings distance me from this despair and make me wonder whether it is really so bad, dulling the acute feeling of worthlessness that accompanies the minute-by-minute tedium of have not enough to do. I feel right now that I should be able to use force, charm and charisma to make things happen, but my late night vantage point obscures the social awkwardness of the situation. It is hard to recapture the powerlessness I feel in the Nagrik Vikas Manch hierarchy; the extent to which Mohan and Kit’s combined presence, however benevolent, makes me feel ten years younger than I am; the peculiar embarrassment I feel in front of everybody apart from Haider.
   So far I have discussed ideas with Haider, drafted an e-mail to another NGO that was never sent, made a couple of suggestions to Mohan and Kit that may have made a slight difference, entertained a few kids and unsuccessfully tried to teach a half-witted girl the concept of syllables (giving up when, after half an hour of difficult spade-work I asked her to give me a word of one syllable and received a blank look, followed by a mystified but delighted exclamation of “Elephant?”). Not a very impressive track record, but to date there simply has been nothing else to do. In my copious spare time I have sat up on a shady ledge on the roof and studied the Hindi script or grappled with a book about globalisation.
   All of this makes me question the usefulness of volunteers who are well-stocked in the heart and mind departments but lacking practical skills and a thorough command of the language. I can almost see Sumita’s “told you so” expression as I write this. This leads to the real questions that I have been trying to avoid: is this really what I want to be doing? Am I truly realising the dream I came here to chase? There - I’ve written them down now, they’re out, they’re alive! But tonight I am not ready to answer them.

*

On a much happier note, I am going to see my parents tomorrow. I will spend a final day in Delwara before breaking for Christmas, and come back to Udaipur at roughly the time they expect to arrive from Jodhpur. The strange and wonderful excitement I described on Sunday has haemorrhaged into something magnificent that will protect me tomorrow from whatever dark clouds working in Delwara might induce. 
    I am not alone in having visitors - Ellen’s parents are already in Udaipur, prior to a jaunt like ours, and Rachel has left to travel with her boyfriend who arrived in India a few days ago. Anna is taking the opposite approach and returning to England for Christmas, while Zelda is going back to America.
   Meanwhile, Amir left today in typical style, begging Priya and me to tell him what his “negative points” were, which we firmly refused to do. He was in such an emotional state as his departure loomed, assuring us again and again how happy he had been with us all and how much he would miss us, that it was quite a relief to see him onto the bus. But I will miss him, as he has been such a feature of life here over the last month, and despite his oddities he has a good, generous heart.

*

I bumped into Dilip as I came back into Vikas Samiti this evening.
   “Hello! How are you?” I asked.
   “Very fine!” he replied with a grin. “I’ve just been meeting with your fellow volunteers Ellen and Anna.”
   “Oh right? I didn’t know Anna was working with you as well?”
   “No, no, she’s not - the meeting was purely social. We took chai in the canteen together.”
 We talked a little about my work in Delwara, and I vented a muted version my earlier diatribe. He listened sympathetically and then leaned forward with the air of a conspirator.
   “Actually, Jon, can I tell you one thing?”
   “Go on,” I said curiously.
   “I always wanted you to work on another microplan. In fact I said specifically that I wanted only Jon, but it was decided that it would be more suitable for you to work on a different project. I just wanted to clear the air with you about that.”
   “Thanks - I really appreciate that,” I mumbled in slightly embarrassed confusion. I was rather relieved, but also ashamed of having suspected Dilip of having a hand in thwarting my microplanning career. Most of all I was touched that he had thought to “clear the air” on the subject. The whole scenario seemed strangely and undefinably un-Indian although I don’t know what I had imagined the “Indian approach” in such circumstances would be - something more histrionic, perhaps? In any case, I had never felt more warmly towards him that I did earlier this evening, and I am sorry not to be working with him any more.

Next Post - Saturday 30th December 2006: Udaipur, Jaipur, Agra and Bharatpur (will be posted Friday 30th December 2011)