Maybe this new respect influences my opinion of him (and why shouldn’t it?) but if I was sceptical at first I am won over now. He offers a warm, uncomplicated sort of friendship and has a sunny, generous personality and is deeply loyal. He is not greatly intelligent and has a bumbling nature that I have come to find endearing. He still thirsts for new vocabulary, and takes the philosophy that one should never use one simple word when five complex words will do. “No, this word is no good,” he will say, “It is very easy. Even children will be knowing this. I want to know a really difficult meaning”. This word “meaning” has come to signify not only the definition, but the word itself. He is definitely a friend I intend to keep.
Now the survey is finished I shall have little chance to rest on my lotus as it will be necessary to analyse the data collected and more generally think about the microplan itself, the first and perhaps only tangible outcome of my work here. Something of the old feeling of unease returns to me at this point. The survey provided a wonderful psychological balm, filling my time as it did with a very straightforward, if slightly arduous mission needing to be accomplished. Mission now accomplished, I am back in the brave new world of breadth and ambiguity and nagging worries that I am somehow on the wrong track. I am fairly confident, however, that these worries are unfounded and that my general approach will deliver the goods. This approach consists of making frequent references to existing microplans, produced by Vikas Samiti for other villages, and identifying what holes I need to fill in my knowledge of Maal to be able to complete an equivalent report. Such holes as I have identified are varied - lingering confusion over certain concepts like land ownership; ignorance of specific pieces of information such as the distance to various public services; and a number of entirely new topics that I have not yet explored. One of these is “watershed management”, a “meaning” whose acquaintance I have so far done an excellent job of avoiding. Rest assured I shall reveal all as soon as I can effect an introduction.
*
Back in Kojawara, it is not so much a nagging as a grating that separates me from equanimity. The continued presence of Karan - loth as I am to admit it - is getting on my nerves! It is a sad fact that once you begin to find someone irritating or disagreeable, all their subsequent actions become tainted, and without meaning to, you find yourself applying increasingly stringent standards on their behaviour. Partly because their voice and mannerisms become inextricably linked with the annoyance already felt, comments and actions that from anybody else would be perfectly acceptable, from them become intolerable.
Furthermore, in Karan’s case I realise I am not alone. Ellen, who has had her fair share of Karan-exposure, finds him similarly exasperating, and thinking back to comments made by other IRMAns, I suspect this feeling is widely shared. The ungenerous sense of relief that accompanies the discovery that others share your negative opinion only exacerbates matters, transforming your annoyance from a guilty secret to a publicly-licensed source of cruel amusement.
Karan, it has to be said, does not appear to help his cause amongst his peers. In a rare moment of openness he told me that he had never formed close friendships at IRMA of the kind he was used to in his beloved home town of Dehra Dun. “These people aren’t very mature,” he told me earnestly, “and we have nothing much in common. They waste their time thinking stupid things and doing stupid things. Because of this I can’t respect them or bond with them.”
I am aware, of course, that anybody with an ounce of flesh and blood will be curious to know what it is, exactly, that I find so objectionable about him, but here I have to draw the line. Despite everything I have said, I really don’t feel I know him well enough to be comfortable slating his personality on paper and in any case, pinning down his elusive, unknowable character into prose would be beyond my skills as a writer. All I can do is pick out a few traits and offer them up for inspection: the public shyness that gives way to a hard-edged cynicism in private, coupled with an intractable desire to be right at all costs; the unsettling style of conversation, didactic and defensive by turns, with a tendency towards inconsistency seemingly designed to confuse the listener.
I suspect a lot of this comes down to fishes and ponds. In Dehra Dun he probably commanded respect amongst his peers, while at IRMA he is just one intelligent, motivated individual amongst many. That can hurt anywhere in the world, and in the pressure cooker environment of a prestigious Indian academic institution it is probably enough to make anyone a little loopy. On top of this there are my own weaknesses - I do not always handle constant proximity very well and, as already observed, can sometimes bristle in the face of criticism. Karan’s criticism, usually served on what appears to be a platter of amused pity, is the very worst kind in this respect, and there have been times when I have had to draw on every last reserve of self-control to restrain myself from doing something violent and irreversible.
After such ripe invective, I must withdraw a little, and claim not to dislike him. That is the position I maintain with others, and it is what I tell myself. It may even be true - we certainly have a sort of friendship and can sometimes laugh together about the same thing. It is futile to speculate, but I like to think that had I met him outside the context of IRMA and Bharti Vikas Samiti, I might like him a lot more. But I didn’t meet him in another context, and the sorry fact remains that in terms of ordinary social interaction he is one of the most maddening people I know.
Next Post - Thursday 16th November 2006: Udaipur (will be posted Wednesday 16th November 2011)
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